Lucien Lachance on Christmas
by axmly
Summary: Lucien Lachance visits the Cheydinhal Sanctuary for a Christmas party, Secret Santa, and some festive fun. Of course, Lucien wants nothing to do with anything even mildly pleasant or festive, so Ocheeva attempts to get him into the spirit. Rated as in-progress for some Christmas themed chapters later on.


It was a cold morning, a brisk chill stabbing the air, giving anyone who'd dare go outside the feeling of a thousand pins and needles on their skin. It was getting colder and colder by the day, and some Cheydinhal citizens were considering moving to Bruma for a little warmth. Cheydinhal remained the quietest it had for a very long time, the only sounds being the rats scattering around and the faint voices of the guards chatting with each other. Everyone remained inside, to gain some shield from the cold. But while Cheydinhal kept itself as quiet as a mouse, inside the Cheydinhal Sanctuary, it was a bustle of activity.

Lucien Lachance had paid them a visit to have a speech on proper Christmas killing etiquette, as well to enjoy the festivities of the annual Christmas party. The Sanctuary was decked out in full Christmas decorations, streamers hung between the stone arches, wreathes hung from each door, and mistletoes were sprinkled around, (by one horny Antoinetta,) to either catch two unlucky people in the awkwardness of a Christmas kiss, and it was strategically placed to catch her and Lucien under one before the end of the day. Antoinetta was much more vile and evil than most people gave her credit for, especially when it came around Christmas time, and even worse, when she was around Lucien.

"So once more I will tell you, you give them one of these goodie bags BEFORE you kill them. Let them suck on a candy cane for five minutes, make them some Bruma Miss instant cocoa, and THEN you may murder the living hell out of them." Lucien stared down at his notes, then glanced up at his audience, and squeaked. He HATED speaking in front of people. Kind of odd, he realized. But it wasn't so much delivering his well practiced lines in front of a single person in an attempt to recruit, but when it was in front of this many people? No… no.  
He chuckled nervously, scratched at his black hood, and looked down at his feet, continuing his little speech. "And make sure you have bought your Secret Santa gifts, as we will be giving them today. Remember the 500 septim limit, everyone! It is a hidden tenet to pay at least 500 septims on a secret Santa gift. Please don't be the guy who buys a candy bar as a gift, that's just not right. Thank you."

Everyone clapped, and he stepped down from his little wooden podium, but Gogron raised his hand. Lucien shuddered; he hated Orcs with a passion.  
"Yes?" He asked, exasperated.

"Sorry, but tell me one more time, do you give them the goodie bag before or after you kill them? I forgot."

Lucien Lachance, a great hater of many things, hated Christmas. It was vile… it was disgusting… it was, sithis forbid, _happy._ What is the great point of giving people presents, and drinking egg nog, and actually enjoying people's _company? _What sick fellow had to force the concept of Christmas on us? Lucien didn't like to think about it. But he was told that he had to attend the Christmas party and to try to have _fun._ Fun, fun, fun, for sithis sakes, he was Lucien Lachance! The greatest speaker who had ever lived! He didn't need to have _fun._

So Lucien sulked in a corner while the Christmas party started, his arms crossed, leaning back on a weak little couch that felt like it would break at any moment under Lucien's weight. And knowing Lucien's luck, it probably would.

So he sat there, while others socialized and chatted, he merely sat in a puddle of angst.

"Is there something wrong?" Asked Antoinetta in an overly sweet voice.

"This whole season is wrong," Lucien growled. Antoinetta pondered the thought about asking Lucien why he disliked Christmas so much, but it just added to his _sexy _mystery, she thought. She bit her lip, and smiled at him suggestively. He scowled. Antoinetta took a little sip of her egg nog, than she raised a finger to indicate a new found idea. "I know!" She pulled him up, grabbed either side of him, and began to walk around with him, trying to fit around him around the perfect position. "What will make you happy is if you stand right… right… a little to the left… right there!"  
She glanced up at the mistletoe she placed right by the entrance to the bedrooms, and grinned. She then looked into Lucien's black eyes, and he… he, well, just sort of stared in her general direction, his shoulders sagging and his back hunched. She tilted her head, closed her eyes, and leaned in for the kiss. Lucien walked put a hand to her lips, and walked off. She shook her head, slammed her glass on the stone floor, then stormed off.

"Clean up on aisle four!" Chuckled Gogron.

Lucien grabbed a cookie from the snack table, and quickly and angrily bit its head off. He was about to go back to his spot, when he noticed M'raaj-Dar sitting in the same seat, the same position, with the same facial expression as Lucien. Lucien straightened himself up straight, went up to M'raaj, and said in a very cocky voice,

"That's my spot."

"Why do yooou want it soooo badly?" M'raaj asked snidely.

"Well, here we are in the winter and it is right next to the fireplace, giving me sufficient amount warmth but not enough to cause perspiration, and in the summer it is directly in the path of a cross breeze-" Lucien stopped himself. This sounded weird. It didn't sound like something he'd say. It was familiar, but… ugh, it didn't sound right. "Just get out of the damn spot, M'raaj." M'raaj growled but scooted over. Lucien plopped himself down.

"Sooo… why don't yooou like Christmas, Lucien?" Asked M'raaj conversationally.

"Too damn festive for my tastes. We are the killing guild for sithis sake, we don't need to be having secret Santa's."

"Reeeeaally? That's the greatest part of this whole season are the presents!" M'raaj's eyes got wider, and brighter, and excited. Then he sulked again. "But I know that new guy got me. I don't wanna know what crap he got me. Probably some yarn or a toy mouse, he seems like that kind of guy."

"I know what you mean." Lucien agreed.

Ocheeva walked over, a Santa hat atop her scaly head, and some fruit punch in her hand. "Now there's my grumpy gusssses." She said, stretching out her r's. "We're about to do the Sssssecret Ssssanta, why not come and join?"

"Because I don't wanna." Lucien whined. Ocheeva smiled and shook her head.

"You're just feeling sorry for yourself because your parents never celebrated it with you."

Lucien jumped up, eyes wide and an accusatory finger pointed in Ocheeva's face. "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"

"Get. That. Finger. Out of my face. Or I will give you a Christmas cast."

Lucien gulped and pulled his finger away. "Fine. I'll sit with you all. Just get it done quickly." Ocheeva winked at him, grabbed his forearm and brought him into the circle that Vicente had already called together. They all shook eagerly, little gift bags and wrapped boxes sitting in their lap. Lucien scowled at them all, sitting criss-cross, Santa hats atop all their heads. It was enough to make Lucien vomit.

"Alright you all," Ocheeva said, sitting in the front of the circle holding a list in her hand of all the secret Santa's and their matches. "Ready for some gift giving?" She gave off one of those weird argonian smiles. They all cheered, Gogron heard mostly amongst all of them. Once everyone finished, Gogron remained cheering for a single second, but his voice trailed off after noticing everyone looking at him in distain.

"Okay, then… the first one on the list is…" Ocheeva gave an evil half smile to Lucien. "Antoinetta."

Lucien gulped his eyes as wide as the moon.

"Antoinetta, give your brother or sister their gift."

Antoinetta licked her lips, and scooted over to Lucien. She stroked his black locks and plopped a small wrapped box in his lap. She got very close to his ear, (making Lucien shake and cry a little silently,) and whispered,

"Perhaps we could use these together?"

And she gave him a cold as ice kiss on the cheek and slowly slid back to her spot. Lucien cringed, absolutely revolted, and picked up the box very delicately and set it to the side.

"Next up," She said, pulling a large gift from behind her back, "This is from me to Vicente."  
She handed him the box, and looked to her with a smile, and he nearly attacked the thing.

"Oh my lawd!" He cried. "Fifty shades of blood red! My favorite of the entire erotic BSDM/vampire genre! I'll have to add this to my collection!"

Everyone stared at him. He looked from the book to the crowd, and chuckled nervously. "My collection… my collection of things to, um, shoot with my," His voice went significantly deeper. "My manly, you know, shooting things. Things that go pow, pow and kill people. My big pow pow shooting things. Yeah."

"Well… I know you like to er, shoot those sithis awful books." She winked at Vicente and he mouthed a thank you. She looked down at her list. "Next, Lucien, give your gift."

He stammered. "Um, what?"

"Your gift. Who is your person?"

"I… I'm, not, you know…" Ocheeva looked at him, exasperated, and sighed.

"Whoops!" She cried, dropping her list in his general direction. "Lucien, might you pick that up for me?"

Lucien smiled, for perhaps the first time today. "Sure, Ocheeva." He grabbed the list, stared down at it, and saw that his person was, for sithis sake, Antoinetta. He scoffed and handed Ocheeva the list.

"Well, give them your gift."

Lucien smiled, and curled a beckoning finger at Antoinetta. Her face lit up and she shuffled over to him on all fours. He leaned down and whispered in her ear. "I have something… something that needs to be _done_, if you know what I mean. And done _good."_ Antoinetta nearly had an orgasm at the sound of Lucien's suggestive voice. She shuddered, and answered in a trembling voice.

"I… I can do whatever you want me to, Lucien…"

"Good. You're gonna need some skill... some… skill with your hands to do what I want you to do, baby…"

Antoinetta literally moaned. There was the sound of everyone scooting further away. Lucien pulled away from her, stared into her eyes, and bit his lip. She shook and gave off little moans of delight. Lucien had done his job just right. Those acting classes in his fine arts days paid off after all.  
They went through the rest of the members of the sanctuary, everyone very happy with their gifts, and everyone, including Lucien and M'raaj, who received a gram of catnip, and was very pleased. They all got into the festive spirit, sang carols, and had a jolly 'ol time. Lucien even kissed Antoinetta, which made her have to excuse herself to her bedroom for about ten minutes.  
All in all, not a bad day, Lucien figured.

He and Antoinetta met at the door, he hugged Ocheeva goodbye, and the two of them were off to Fort Farragut.

Lucien tossed his coat over his bed and turned to Antoinetta. "Ready for your gift?"  
She shuddered and moaned out a yes. He got very close to her, placed his hands at her shoulders and stroked them down until he reached her hands. He squeezed them tight, and pulled off her gloves.

"I need you… to do something for me…" Lucien said quietly and seductively, slowly pulling off his pants.

"Ohhh, yes, Lucien, tell me, anything!"

"It's going to require, er, getting a little wet."

She moaned again.

"It's going to require a gentle touch, and the willingness to let… certain fluids touch them. "

"Oooh, baby, please, let's just get to it!"

"Are you ready?"

"Yes!"

"Close your eyes." She did so. He grabbed her and placed her by his full kitchen sink. "Don't open them until I say so." She nodded. He went over to his bed, plopped himself down, and opened the present she got him. _Condoms, of course. Extra large? Ha, I wish… _he thought. He pulled out on and began blowing it up into a phallic looking balloon.

"May I open them now?" Antoinetta asked eagerly. Lucien smiled.

"Anytime now, baby."

She snapped open her eyes, stared into the kitchen sink and began to realize how everything he said fit the bill. She growled, gave the best damn evil eye Lucien had ever seen, and screamed. She stormed out, and the Lucien set the balloon loose, laughing away, and now he couldn't wait for Valentine's Day… oh what fun that would be!


End file.
